Why I Wasn't Outgoing in High School

Please forgive me, for my emotions are provoked at the moment so this may not be as constructive and logical as some of my earlier posts.

I guess I've always been an outcast my whole life. Being hearing impaired, I was often excluded because I couldn't always speak clearly. Then there was that stint in the Bahamas when I was the only white kid in my class. I know I'm not the most attractive person to look at, so that likely has been worked in some where.

As with most isolationist children, I developed a strong sense of creativity and became very individualistic as a result. For me, it's not the end of the world if I don't have someone constantly talking to me or hanging out and I can get along just fine without feedback. This isn't really me though, it's who I've adapted to being. All through school, it hurt when I wasn't picked to be on some team or to be flat out picked on. I was bullied for ten out of twelve years at school. I don't regret those years, and I wouldn't change them for the world - to me they've become a blessing. I can relate to so many people who have been left out or feel misunderstood and I wouldn't tade that gift for anything.

For the most part, I don't think people really give a damn about me and they certainly don't want to hear me speak. This is why on Facebook, I most just post links and videos and seldomly talk myself. I only began sharing aspects of my day upon anonymously being encouraged to do so. Still, I only share something once in a while and for the bulk of it its still mostly just links and videos. I never really got much of an opportunity to share my views with others growing up and usually was ridiculed for them, so sharing even one on one its strange to me. To me it feels almost surreal that someone actually cares enough to listen. And it's hard to get me to talk because I usually focus on the other person and let them share their views and most people I find are perfectly content with that which its fine by me because it's comforable not being in the spotlight.

So, it's kinda like hitting a brick wall when you're told, for example, "Do you find a way to comment on everything Nicole? >,<" You have no idea how tempting it is to crawl back into my comfort zone and never burden anyone ever again, but that would be rash and uncalled for. I fail to understand why such a person does not simply, "unfriend" me. But eh, if they want to suffer listening to my occasional comments, then so be it.

It makes you wonder though, eh? Who is really being genuine? Can we ever really know for sure?

In summary, human beings are the stangest species ever. Way too many variables to deal with.

God bless!